In a recent get together with my Parenting Without Power Struggles Members, Catherine* asked me to do some coaching with her because she was becoming increasingly angry and reactive when her daughter refused do as she was asked.
“I give her a five minute warning before it’s time to start getting ready for bed. When the five minutes are up, I ask her nicely to brush her teeth. She ignores me. I ask her nicely again. She says, “No–I don’t want to!” I try to reason with her and I acknowledge that she’d rather stay up, but nothing works. Within about five minutes, I’m sweating and screaming and feeling like a terrible mother and then things go from bad to worse. Most of the time I have to get my husband to take over because I’m so angry that I’m shaking.”
As Catherine described her frustration, the chat box filled with comments from other members like, “Me, too!” or “I can relate!”
We dove into the work that was needed which–contrary to what you may think–wasn’t about how to get Catherine’s daughter to cooperate. Instead, I focused on digging for the root of what causes Catherine to lose her ability to be that calm Captain who naturally engenders her daughter’s cooperation, cause her to instead become the argumentative Lawyer or the overpowering Dictator who her daughter rebels.
The work Catherine did was deep. Her first “Aha moment” had to do with seeing how her daughter’s willfulness was triggering feelings from her own childhood around having to be a good girl who wasn’t allowed to express her opinions or feelings.
Intellectually, Catherine knew that it was good that her little girl was more assertive than she had been at that age. But her feelings were complicated. Watching her daughter freely declare her wants and needs when she had been forbidden to do so stirred up a lot of anger and sadness.
The session progressed, with Catherine’s realization that despite feeling frustrated by her daughter’s defiance, she could also see the tremendous gift her little girl was bringing into her life.
I said, “it seems to me you’ve attracted the perfect teacher to help you finally discover your own voice, Catherine. She is showing you that you can express what you want; that you don’t always have to be good.”
It was a beautiful session, with members cheering Catherine on and thanking her again and again for being so vulnerable and brave.
These are the kinds of breakthroughs that happen in our monthly Membership sessions. Parents work through issues—often longstanding– so that they can be that confident, connected parent who emanates loving authority, rather than the desperate, needy one who tries to control children through negotiations, bribes, and threats.
Perhaps now you can understand why I am so enthusiastic about this program!
If you’re curious about our sessions, join us! Our next meeting is tomorrow. You can submit questions ahead of time, or catch the replay if you aren’t able to make it in person.
Just visit this page for details. Again, enrollment closes tonight at midnight.
