I am, by nature, a fairly restless sort of person. In fact, I’ve been told that even as a toddler, I was always busy.
That active temperament has often collided with an inborn, powerful drive toward a meditative practice that began in my teens. When I”m too outwardly focused, I find myself aching to dive within and be still. And once I’m sitting on the cushion, it can take a while to settle down and enjoy that peaceful place inside.
Last weekend I had a chance to enjoy a day of mindfulness practice with Jon Kabat Zinn, often referred to as the father of the mindfulness movement.
For weeks, I had been looking forward to an entire day of quiet and meditation. But once we were invited to get quiet and enjoy the Being part of ourselves, that Doing part wanted to think and move and DO something!
In earlier times, I would have allowed a narrative to play out in my mind sounding something like this:
You signed up for this. Enjoy the stillness, darn it!
What kind of meditator are you? Look at everyone else–so peaceful and focused. Get it together!
The good news is, I now (mostly) recognize that harsh voice in my head for what it is– an old and unhealthy pattern whereby I would regularly compare myself to others and come up short. I am more willing now to move toward self-acceptance and grace without indulging that perfectionist voice that emphasizes my flaws rather than acknowledging my successes, however small.
One of the loveliest things Jon said throughout the day was, “Lay out the welcome mat for whatever comes up as you sit.”
This aspect of mindfulness practice–non-judgmental awareness–is so thoroughly kind. It recognizes that as we move toward stillness, we will naturally wander away. Instead of playing that tape from the mean and judgmental voice in our heads, we can inhabit a place of self-compassion that suggests, Of course it’s hard to sit here “doing nothing.” It’s not easy to quiet a mind that is designed to be active.
As I reflected on that day, I thought about how well these principles apply to parenting. We look around at other parents and imagine that they have it all together. Our kids are the only ones who roll their eyes, slam doors, destroy their little brother’s tower on purpose, or refuse to look up when we ask them (ever so nicely) to come to dinner.
The truth is, every one of those parents who appear to have serene lives and well-behaved children are also secretly looking around, hoping they won’t be found out. We all struggle. I wrote parenting books and have been called an “expert” by countless people, and I still find myself in the weeds with my son from time to time.
Parenting is the ultimate mindfulness practice, providing us with endless opportunities to guide ourselves back to our hearts when we wander off track. We can either choose to condemn ourselves for losing our way, or we can recognize how challenging it is to stay present and patient, offering tenderness and appreciation to ourselves for even trying to show up with greater consciousness.
Today, try practicing non-judgmental awareness as you move through your parenting routines. If you’re frustrated with your kids, ride the wave of frustration with a compassionate attitude toward yourself rather than caving in to shame and self-reproach.
If you’re exhausted, recognize the fatigue as an important announcement from your body that you need rest rather than trying to override it as weakness
Whether today’s path is one of sitting quietly on a meditation cushion or juggling carpool, work, grocery shopping, meals, homework, and baths, try practicing acceptance when you drift off course instead of engaging in a litany of self-criticisms.
And don’t miss the moments that are sweet. Savor the baby’s hand on your cheek, or that sideways smile from your tween.
Put out the welcome mat for it all, with joy, kindness, and a heavy measure of self- acceptance.
