When you’re a child, each day brings with it the potential for getting frustrated. It may mean that you don’t get another cookie, or that your teacher calls on someone else take a message to the office when you desperately wanted a break from the classroom. As kids get older, the stakes get higher; not doing well on an important test might mean not getting into a first choice of college. Being turned down by someone you hoped would go out with you can feel like the end of the world. When life isn’t going the way our children and teens would like, they react with anything from a sign to a major meltdown…or emotional shutdown.
As unpleasant as life’s frustrations are, they’re an integral part in helping a child develop one of the most important qualities they will need as a happy and successful adult: Resiliency. Without successfully navigating up, over, and through life’s inevitable disappointments, children grow into adults who are incapable of letting go, trying other options or simply riding the waves of life.And we all know the statistics on teen self-injury, depression and suicide.Adults without the ability to cope with disappointment have trouble fully enjoying their lives. And while it’s possible to learn coping skills as a grownup, it’s a whole lot easier if kids develop the resources to cope with life’s ups and downs when they are children, and can benefit from their parent’s support and guidance.
The problem many parents face is that they don’t like to see their children frustrated. There’s a powerful mandate that seems to be imprinted on our DNA that compels us to try to fend off our children’s sorrow and tears. So when life isn’t unfolding in the way our child wants it to, we’re faced with two possibilities: bend the universe to line up with what the child wants to be happening, or help the child adapt to reality as it is.
If you’re familiar with my work, you know that one of the greatest gifts we can give our children is to lovingly usher them through their sadness toward adapting, when life is disappointing. The next time you’re struggling to make room for your child to simply be sad, try to remember that in the long run, your caring presence and empathy will be serving them more than caving in to temporarily make their tears go away. If frustration is an ongoing issue for you, please join me on Wednesday, May 20th at 5:00 pm PST for a low-cost class (by phone.) You can sign up here.
Staying present with ourselves while our child is upset can bring all kinds of feelings up for us. Rather than hiding from what surfaces, stay present for the emotions. In so doing, you will deepen your ability to be the calm, connected, and resilient Captain of the ship your children need.
