My nine year old constantly acts before he thinks. He does inappropriate things to get attention from his friends, interrupts people all the time, and takes risks without considering the consequence. Help! Lectures and threats don’t work. Our son is a sweet boy and always promises to try harder but he forgets in the moment.
From the time a child feels an impulse to do something and the moment he acts upon that impulse there is–ideally–a gap long enough to ensure that he will consider the pros and cons of that behavior and make a thoughtful choice.
But for impulsive children, that gap is so brief that they seldom have enough time to pause the momentum toward an impulsive act; once the urge is in motion, it’s very difficult for them to hit the brakes.
As kids grow up, their brains become better able to manage impulsive urges. But some children’s maturation in this area is slower. These kids behave as though they are much younger than their chronological age. This can lead to tremendous frustration for parents who typically say, “Act your age!” in one way or another countless times a day.
Here’s my advice:
- Establish realistic expectations. You can’t push a river. Your son will grow up at his own rate. While there are some ways to support children’s maturation, it is best to line up with the child you have, not the one you were hoping for.
- Provide him with opportunities to be in charge. Let your son be responsible for deciding how to spice the stew or choose where to take grandma for her birthday. By empowering him with more decisions, he can more effectively move toward maturation.
- Keep an eye on rest and nutrition. All children struggle more with managing their moods and impulses when they are tired or hungry.
- Make sure he feels successful. If children are scolded from morning to night for their impulsive behavior, they become discouraged and even depressed. Find something he enjoys–trampoline, martial arts, guitar. Confidence can be a great help in children’s self-management.
Each child develops at his or her own pace. By avoiding shame and blame and creating realistic expectations based on the particular child you have, you’ll be able to help him develop greater impulse control. Meanwhile, make sure your little guy hears what you love and appreciate him. Most children try harder to please those who accept and enjoy them as they are. (That’s true for adults, too!)
