At 8:30 on December 4th, I wrapped up a Skype counseling session and flipped on the TV to catch the news. It took me a moment to process the fact that footage they were showing of a roaring blaze consuming fifty acres a minute was burning in the town next to ours, just a few miles away.
After checking in with neighbors and calling my husband—about to fly home from Europe– I went through the house to pack up a few necessities, in the unlikely event I would need to evacuate.
Having lived in Malibu for over thirty years, I’ve been through more fires than I can count. I threw a few things into a small backpack—passport, favorite scarf, toothbrush, a couple of pants and shirts—but I had no idea that I would eventually be gone for over two weeks.
Our town was remarkably spared, but many people living in outlying areas lost everything. And no one was left untouched by days of worry and wondering as we kept our eyes on ever-changing winds and news reports that suggested anything could happen. It was some two weeks.
As of this writing, the Thomas fire has burned over 270,000 acres and is still only 50% contained
Tomorrow, we will head home and start the process of cleaning up. We hope that the air quality will be good enough that we will be able to remain in our home for the holidays.
But we are holding our plans lightly. Last night, a fire broke out a block from our house. The air quality has been wavering between unhealthy and hazardous. We have gotten much more comfortable with uncertainty.
It isn’t easy. It’s in our nature to live life as though we know what’s going on. Still, try as we might to ensure that things unfold as we plan, life has a way of doing its own thing.
Over 150 families lost everything they own in these fires. I spent time yesterday with a friend whose twenty-something youngster has brain cancer. We live our lives as if we are in control, but we aren’t. We may sleep at home tomorrow night, but we may turn around and hit the road if the air is intolerable. We may have our holiday get together at home, but we may have it somewhere else, as yet to be determined.
What can we do, when faced with uncertainty? And how do we help our children when, try as we might to create predictability, external circumstances become unsteady?
We look for what is certain. We hold fast to what is true and solid right now. The blueness of the sky. The sweet song of the birds outside our window. The miracle of breath pouring into and out of us.
No one wants to be tossed and tumbled during uncertain times. It can be indescribably challenging to stay afloat when everything is stripped away. At those times, we must reach out to friends to prop us up; we are not meant to go it alone.
There is a beautiful quote by Mark Nepo from The Book of Awakening:
“…Ultimately, we are small living things awakened in the stream, not gods who carve out rivers. We cannot eliminate hunger, but we can feed each other. We cannot eliminate pain, but we can live a life of compassion.”
It is natural to make plans. But when things fall apart on the outside, we can practice taking refuge with the things that remain, wether turning inside ourselves through meditation and prayer, or simply leaning on whoever we are with, wherever we find ourselves.
Happy holidays! May you find yourselves at home, wherever you are.
