I’ll never forget James. This firecracker of a three year old flew into my house every week after his brother’s educational therapy sessions with me, sprinkling high-octane delight all over my office. James’ energy changed mine; I relished standing under the waterfall of his enthusiasm for life; his joy was infectious.
James is in college now, applying his sharp curiosity to his studies and no doubt planning great things.
But I will never forget seeing him when he was around thirteen and in middle school. I hadn’t seen James since he was four. On a visit to the school campus, I saw him from a distance and my heart fell. Stooped and hidden under a hoodie, he walked alone between classes with a dejected look on his face, barely recognizable. What happened to the light? What happened to his light?
When I checked in with James’ parents I learned that despite being exceedingly bright and creative, he was struggling to fit in. They said he had been working hard to cramp his style, trying to fit into a box too small to draw less attention from his middle school peers.
It pained my heart to find out that James–like so many kids I’ve seen over the years–had dimmed his light.
Reflecting on how brightly James had glowed as a little one, I considered titling the book I was about to write Please Don’t Let the Light in Your Child’s Eyes Grow Dim. (It later became Parenting Without Power Struggles: Raising Joyful, Resilient Kids While Staying Cool, Calm and Connected, and features a story about James in the introduction.)
I wanted to talk about the importance of encouraging our children to be who they are, to raise them in ways that don’t require them to shrink their spirits to please those around them. In a sense, this has been my life’s work–helping parents raise children to shine their unique light and step fully into the gift of life and living.
So how can we help our children stay as curious and bold as they are when they’re little ones?
It begins with standing resolutely in our own light, living full-heartedly.
When our children watch us exploring an interest, losing ourselves in a beautiful piece of music, or leisurely enjoying a meal with friends, they develop a template for engaging in life that involves more than being active on Facebook or following a favorite TV series. (Nothing wrong with either unless they represent the sum total of our interests…)
Middle school is fraught with complicated social rules, stressors and insecurities. We cannot save our children from the challenges of growing up, or navigate the complexities of their peer relationships for them. But raising a strong and sturdy child doesn’t require us to shield them from difficulties. In my classes, I show parents how coming alongside them in what I call Act I Parenting when they are frustrated helps them develop resilience far better than if we simply make their problems go away.
Still, we can fortify our children so that they don’t feel quite so fragile, even as they face the inevitable rough spots of growing up. How? By celebrating who they are rather than constantly making “helpful suggestions” about how they might improve. By asking them to teach us something they have learned. By leaning into them with all of our attention when they share a vulnerable moment,
Our children’s lights don’t go out. They may dim, so as to call less attention to themselves when they fear the harsh judgements of peers. But when they know that with us, they can shine as brightly as they like, like James, they come through all right.
Please…don’t let the light in your child’s eyes grow dim.
