My husband and I are raising four grandchildren, ages 9, 5, 4 and 3. He works and I stay home. My problem is I can't seem to get a handle on the little ones. They move from one room to the next making a mess! I try to redirect them to no avail. I feel guilty because they just don't mind! The fighting and screaming at one another is taking a toll on me. I don't want to be a tyrant.
Children are influenced to cooperate when they get clear signals that their caregiver is confidently in charge. I use the image of the right hand (representing the parent/ grandparent) above the left hand (the child's) to illustrate the hierarchy of authority that motivates kids to behave. When a caregiver calmly and assertively inhabits their role of being the Captain of the ship, children instinctively follow their lead.
If a child asks, "Can I have another piece of cake?" and you, as the clear-headed Captain of the ship, don't think another piece of cake is a good idea, would respond with, "I'm afraid not, sweetheart. Maybe tomorrow you can have more cake; I know you really like it." So far, the right hand (representing you) is above the child's.
Now, given the fact that you make wonderful cake, the child is likely to ask, "Why not? I want more cake!" If he or she is very upset, the request for cake may be especially insistent. If you respond with, "Because if you have more cake you won't eat your dinner ... " the child will respond with all the reasons you're wrong: "Yes I will!" "No, you didn't eat your dinner last night when I gave you a cookie", and so on. When you're negotiating or battling, the two hands are side by side (I call this "The Two Lawyers") and you're engaged in an exhausting power struggle.
Taking it further, if the child really likes your cake, they may announce, "If you won't let me have more cake, I won't eat my dinner!" If you, like many parents/ grandparents, reply with, "Oh yes you will, young man, or no TV for you!" then your right hand drops below the child's, and for all practical purposes, the child is running the show. One quick way to determine whether the right hand (yours) is below the child's is to notice whether you're screaming, threatening, or bribing. If you're feeling desperate, then the child is in charge, and you're going to feel like a tyrant, frantically trying to call the shots.
Instead, make requests of your grandkids with the assumption that they're going to do what you ask. I know this sounds far-fetched, but the less you come across as needy, the more the children will recognize your authority. Announce, "It's time to clean up the toys, kids," and don't hover. Walk away and don't engage in a power struggle. If they announce, "I don't wanna," say, "I know. You were having fun with those blocks." If the child leaves the blocks scattered, remove them for a month so they quietly get the message.
Getting kids to cooperate is a BIG topic, and one that challenges parents -- and wonderful grandparents like you -- every day! Start with working on keeping that right hand on top and being the Captain of the ship.
Children are influenced to cooperate when they get clear signals that their caregiver is confidently in charge. I use the image of the right hand (representing the parent/ grandparent) above the left hand (the child's) to illustrate the hierarchy of authority that motivates kids to behave. When a caregiver calmly and assertively inhabits their role of being the Captain of the ship, children instinctively follow their lead.
If a child asks, "Can I have another piece of cake?" and you, as the clear-headed Captain of the ship, don't think another piece of cake is a good idea, would respond with, "I'm afraid not, sweetheart. Maybe tomorrow you can have more cake; I know you really like it." So far, the right hand (representing you) is above the child's.
Now, given the fact that you make wonderful cake, the child is likely to ask, "Why not? I want more cake!" If he or she is very upset, the request for cake may be especially insistent. If you respond with, "Because if you have more cake you won't eat your dinner ... " the child will respond with all the reasons you're wrong: "Yes I will!" "No, you didn't eat your dinner last night when I gave you a cookie", and so on. When you're negotiating or battling, the two hands are side by side (I call this "The Two Lawyers") and you're engaged in an exhausting power struggle.
Taking it further, if the child really likes your cake, they may announce, "If you won't let me have more cake, I won't eat my dinner!" If you, like many parents/ grandparents, reply with, "Oh yes you will, young man, or no TV for you!" then your right hand drops below the child's, and for all practical purposes, the child is running the show. One quick way to determine whether the right hand (yours) is below the child's is to notice whether you're screaming, threatening, or bribing. If you're feeling desperate, then the child is in charge, and you're going to feel like a tyrant, frantically trying to call the shots.
Instead, make requests of your grandkids with the assumption that they're going to do what you ask. I know this sounds far-fetched, but the less you come across as needy, the more the children will recognize your authority. Announce, "It's time to clean up the toys, kids," and don't hover. Walk away and don't engage in a power struggle. If they announce, "I don't wanna," say, "I know. You were having fun with those blocks." If the child leaves the blocks scattered, remove them for a month so they quietly get the message.
Getting kids to cooperate is a BIG topic, and one that challenges parents -- and wonderful grandparents like you -- every day! Start with working on keeping that right hand on top and being the Captain of the ship.
