Hello and welcome or welcome back. I'm so glad you're with me today to talk about one of my absolute favorite topics, raising joy. Confident, compassionate, resilient kids while staying sane and happy. I'm Susan Stiffelman, the author of Parenting Without Power Struggles and Parenting with Presence. And if you are a parent or you work with children or you have grandkids, or you're an auntie or an uncle, or in any way overlap with children, then I am so glad you're here because in the parenting with that power struggles podcast, we talk about everything related to raising kids.

Today's episode is going to be a really good one about expectations. Something that you might not think about a lot, but trust me, they inform a lot of what happens in your house and in the interactions you have with your children. But first, I just wanted to make sure that you're connected, that you're getting all of the other updates and information that support what you hear in this podcast series.

If you visit Susanstiffelman.com, you're going to get an opportunity to sign up for a newsletter. That is a great asset. It delivers inspiring and informative parent related information on a regular basis, but it also is the source. Announcements for events that are both free and low costs that allow you to go deeper with the things that you're hearing in the series. The next event is November 17th with Dr. Dan Siegel. It's going to be a great, great class.

So I hope that you'll sign up for the newsletter and stay in touch today. I'm going to talk about a topic that I think is fairly universal. As I said, it may not be something that you consciously think about. Gosh, I need to work on my expectations, I can speak from personal experience. They are the things that we trip over again. And again and again, you guys might be more focused understandably on getting your kids to do their homework or being nicer to their siblings or help around the house. But if you hang in there with me, I think that talking about expectations could actually be a huge benefit to you for all the things that relate to what goes on from the time you get up in the morning to the time you fall into bed at the end of the day.

For those of you, by the way, who don't know anything about me or my work, I am a marriage and family therapist. I have spent over 40 years doing work with families, thousands of families around the world. I'm also a teacher. I've been a parent educator for such a long time, as well as an educational therapist.

And everything that I do is about helping parents look at some of the needs of engrained ways of reacting and patterns that we've inherited from our own childhood so that we can more intentionally choose what works for us and for our children. So we learn to respond rather than react. As I said, worked with every type of family over the course of my many, many years, doing this kind of work and have learned a few things.
I'm still, however, an avid learner. Two or three books next to my couch right now that are on parenting and on neuroscience and on child development. So one of the things that excites me about this series is the chance to share what I'm learning and the things that I'm discovering even this far along in my career.

So I hope that you're of a similar mind. And today, again, we're going to explore an avenue that, uh, You know, some of us don't think so much about, so I want to say a few things about the developing brain. And again, I am not a neuroscientist. There are some wonderful people, Dr. Tina Bryson, Dr. Dan Siegel, who I'm partnering with soon and a class with Dr. Mona Delahooke. So there are great resources for you if you want really in-depth understandings about the brain. And we've, I've done classes on that topic with all of them. So you can visit my website to find at least 30 masterclasses on everything at Susanstiffelman.com. But let me just start out in a pretty basic way and explain a couple of things. 

The brain develops from back to front. So if you were to reach behind your head and touch the area, kind of above your neck, where your neck and your head meet that back part of the brain, these are the most rudimentary functions. And so this is where the brain development starts and it sort of wraps up. Eventually, although we're constantly changing and growing in the area behind your forehead.

So if you put your hand on your forehead above your eyes, this area is the most sophisticated, the most advanced and the last to really fully come on board. That's the prefrontal cortex, the prefrontal cortex, or the PFC is known for its role in executive functioning, meaning planning organization. Cause and effect all the things that would go into being a good executive.

It's also responsible for behaviors and functions like impulse control and decision-making and attention and focus. Now we understand that because we can't modify development. We can't assess. Well, I don't want it to work that way. I want the prefrontal cortex to be fully mature at the age of three, that would just really help me with my toddler who wants to run out into the street or can't stop hitting his baby sister.

However, this is how it works. This is the brain and this is how the develops. So it's a really good idea for us to work with what is, as opposed to what we. Could it be better or what we wish was better. There's a great quote that has been circulated for a long time. And a quote goes like this. It was a meme. You know, one of those things that looks very pretty and people share it because it's inspiring and it resonates. It strikes a note of truth in us. The quote reads, if the ability to control emotions and behaviors isn't fully developed until early adulthood, why are we requiring preschool? To do this and then punishing them when they can't. And this of course means manage their behaviors, control their behaviors. Now, as I mentioned, the prefrontal cortex is the last to fully mature. And that is thought to be around the age of 25. Certainly not before. And often much later rental car companies know this. It's why you can't rent a car in most, uh, co with most companies until you're 25.

Because they want their cars to be handled by people with good decision-making and thoughtfulness and reduced impulsivity. So if we know that a child doesn't really have the functional capabilities to manage their emotions and their behaviors, how is it that we still get stuck? Lecturing them sending them to time out, punishing them, shaming them when they don't control their emotions or their behaviors.

And I asked the question not to make anybody feel bad, because that is absolutely the opposite of what I'm about in every aspect of what I do. My goal is always to support parents, to encourage you, to help you feel and know that you're doing a good job in a very challenging. Situation, you know, as comfortable as your life might be, it's still really not easy to raise human beings because first of all, every child comes with their own temperament, their own insecurities and challenges and so forth.

But also we do too. And most of us, those of us listening, grew up in a household or with parents or in a situation that maybe didn't factor in our own challenges with controlling our emotions and behaviors. So we're attempting to shed old dysfunctional ways of reacting to our kids when they misbehave or they're struggling or frustrated to embrace newer, healthier ones.

Really more accurately reflect a child's capabilities. But in the meantime, we're stumbling, we're two steps forward, one step back making progress, losing our cool, all those things that go into transformation that go into trying to reinvent ourselves and incorporate and integrate the things that we are learning along the way of our parenting adventure.

So that in the heat of the moment, the way we interact with our children, Reflects that. And for those of you who, who might not know, I have a membership program that is really wonderful because twice a month, I actually work with parents personally and we work through. Kind of shifting from old ways of reacting to new ways of responding based on all the things that we're understanding about child development and learning.

You're always welcome. I think there's a waiting list right now for that, but you can visit Susanstiffelman.com and look for the membership program and check that out. But let's go into this, this issue of knowing that the child's brain is not really set up yet at a young age. To master management of impulses and behavior and how we get triggered anyway.

And I'm not just talking about a three-year-old I'm talking about your 13 year old. This is something that we struggle with that place in us that is rationally. And loves our kids to bit and just is understanding and compassionate and knows that there are limits to our children's ability to govern and control their impulses and so forth.

And then the part of us that just wants life to go easily. That just wants to pull our hair out sometimes because we've asked our kids five times to come to dinner. We've made a really nice dinner and they can't even be bothered to look up from the iPad or we've talked to them and had the. You know, long heartfelt conversations about how they should be nicer to the little brother and how much he looks up to them.

And then there they go again, you know, teasing or poking, or just being unkind and something inside of us, just, you know, it kind of explodes depending of course, on how we're doing. So one of the things that really interests me. Just a fantastic class recently with Dr. Mona Delahooke on reducing behavioral challenges with tools from neuroscience.

And I'm sure that's still on the site as well, but in exploring this more deeply understanding that children have. Uh, need to be regulated. They have a need to have what she refers to as a sturdy platform. And that when we see a child misbehaving, chances are, it's not intentional in insofar as the child is thinking, you know, Life around here is pretty dull.
I think I'll stir up some trouble. I'll start, you know, teasing the, the dog, or I think I'll start running into the street just to see what happened. It isn't like that. And I often describe this sort of way that we get triggered as a phenomena that I've concocted an image for, which is Snapshot Child.

And snapshot child syndrome, which is something I've invented. Don't look it up. It's not a real thing, but if you could imagine holding a snapshot in your hand of your child, in an idealized. Incarnation. So this is the child who has tremendous capability to control their behaviors and their emotions, their manage their impulses.

They are incredibly verbal and vocal about what they're feeling when they are a little worried or frustrated. Gee, mom, I'm, I'm a little unsteady right now. I could really use your support. So in your idealized child snapshot, this is the kid who aligned with these kind of unrealistic expectations that we have.

And this is of course the child who says, thanks so much for reminding me to do my homework, or when you ask your idealized child, you know, to help take out the trash, then they say, well, sure, dad, I'd love to help with that. You do so much. So imagine holding this photo in your right hand of this idealized child.

Based on completely unrealistic expectations for who they are, temperament wise and characteristics and all that, but also brain development wise that just imagine that there is no delay. They have, they have a fully onboard functioning, mature prefrontal cortex, all systems go. Now there's the photo that you're holding in your hand and it represents all these expectations that you may not consciously think about.
Trust me, we have them. And then they're a few feet away in front of you in real life is your real child in living color. There, they are sitting there looking at you or ignoring you or poking the dog while they look at you to see what you're going to do or whatever the whole array of behaviors are getting out of bed for the 14th time when you've begged them to stay when you're so tired yourself.

So. There's the real child in front of you doing the real child things based on that child level of regulation, brain development, how sturdy their whole nervous system is how connected they feel with you, how safe they feel in the world, how settled in their skin, all those ingredients that make up and inform and influence how they behave, especially when their system is stress.

And then you're holding that old photo in your hand of who you imagine they could be if they only tried harder. And this photo is a reflection of your expectations. And one thing that I might suggest that you do in a very kind and non-judgemental way is make a list of your expectations for your child.

What is it that you expect? Okay. Give yourself permission to not be realistic. Give yourself permission to just unearth some of the unspoken expectations that affect your level of frustration that push you toward getting upset or losing your cool, because here's the thing we think we lose our cool, because that real child in front of us is ignoring us or bothering their sibling or refusing to help.

The truth is that isn't why we lose our cool. So drum roll, please. We don't lose our cool because our child misbehaves, we lose our cool, because there's a mismatch between that idealized child photo that I was talking about and the real one. And that's why I call it snapshot child syndrome. We, we move through our parenting day quite often.

Forgetting that children have nervous systems and needs her regulation and can often be dysregulated or flooded or confused or insecure or feeling unsafe or disconnected. And their behavior will reflect that. And so when we lose our cool, that mismatch between the real child and the snapshot is why I call it snapshot child syndrome.

And that is a reflection of the expectations that we have of our kids. Might sound fair enough. They might seem, you know, is it too much to ask that my kids would help out around the house when I do everything? Is it too much to ask that after, you know, five requests, they would come to dinner when I've, you know, come home from work and thrown together something really nice.

Is it too much to ask that they would say, thank you. When I give them a ride to a friend's house, all of those are very legitimate. Trust me. I really, I really get it, but. If we're interested in having fewer power struggles, which is the whole premise of this podcast series and more love and connection and fun with our families, then it's very helpful to look at our expectations.

So again, I would invite you to non-judgmentally with a lot of self compassion and kindness, make a list of some of the things that you expect of your child that may be. Reflect their actual developmental ability yet, because the more we can be with what is the more we can influence and guide our children to grow and develop from a place of love and stability inside of us, not that pain, anger, franticness, worry, frustration, and overwhelm that I know.

Affects us all. And by the way, if this is an interesting topic, T you might apply the same exercise to yourself. You might be older than 25, and perhaps your prefrontal cortex is more or less pretty developed, and you have much, much better impulse control, focus, all of those good things, organization, all the skills that go with executive functioning, maybe, hopefully you're further along than your children.

But there are still times when your system is down, when you're overwhelmed, when you're flooded, when you're dysregulated, and in those moments, the expectations that you have for yourself that you may not be able to meet can lead you down a road of feeling tremendous guilt and shame. And we don't want that.

So we need to be fluid as we look at what is fair and reasonable to expect, not only of our children. But of ourselves. So I hope I've given you something to think about and ponder. And again, the goal here is just to increase, turn the volume up on your sense of self acceptance and understanding as well as that towards your children.

The more we can learn and grow together about what kids. Are able to do at various stages and how we can further their development, support their development. The more we can reinvent and reimagine our parenting life. So that something that reflects our deepest values, you know, hopefully if they're aligned with mine, you know, the value of kindness and security and closeness and connection and joy and all of those good things that.
Some of us experienced this children. And some, some of us are really trying to bring in. The life that we are living with our children, we're trying to forge new territory, blaze a new trail, unlike perhaps what we experienced as children ourselves. So I'm so glad that you're learning with me. I think this is the most important thing we can do.

Devoting time and energy to growing and learning as parents. If you've enjoyed this podcast, if you're enjoying the series, please subscribe that way. You'll get notified whenever there's a new episode. And if you have a moment, it would be so wonderful. If you could leave a little review of what you're hearing and how it might be affecting you.

And of course, if you don't have much time, but you want to just indicate a star rating, that's very helpful to remember to stay in touch and get your regular doses of parenting inspiration at Susanstiffelman.com. Again, we have a class coming up with Dr. Dan Siegel in mid November in December. I'll be doing a class with Wendy Beharry on co-parenting with a narcissist.

That's going to be a very valuable and important class. And in January with Dr. Ned Hallowell on ADHD. So stay in touch and sign up for our newsletter and you'll get all the updates. All right, then take a moment. Thank yourself for showing up for investing the spirit of time here to grow and learn and shed some of the things that don't work for you as a parent and embrace some of the new ideas and understandings that might really help you and your family have a sweeter day today and in the days to come remember no matter how busy life gets look for those moments of sweetness.

Stay safe stay well, and I will see you next time.