settings
Episode summary:
settings
In this episode, Susan and Charlotte talk about helping kids in their transition back to in-person learning and how to be a supportive, stable presence in the face of your children's anxiety or stress.
settings
Charlotte Reznick, PhD has dedicated her life to helping children, adolescents, parents, and professionals develop mindfulness, meditation, and imagination. Dr. Reznick is author of the Los Angeles Times bestselling book, The Power of Your Child's Imagination: How to Transform Stress and Anxiety into Joy and Success. Dr. Reznick is a child educational psychologist, received her PhD from USC, and is a former UCLA Associate Clinical Professor of Psychology. Known as a pioneer in therapeutic interventions with children, Dr. Reznick is the creator of Imagery For Kids: Breakthrough for Learning, Creativity, and Empowerment, a mindful, positive coping skills program. imageryforkids.com/
settings
Things you'll learn from this episode:
adjust
How to advocate for your child's concerns with teachers and staff
adjust
How to validate your child's anxious feelings, especially around COVID issues
adjust
How to be a non-anxious presence for your child
settings
Episode Transcript
settings
settings
Speaker 1:
Hello, and welcome to the Parenting Without Power Struggles podcast. I'm Susan Stiffelman, your host, and the author of Parenting Without Power Struggles and Parenting with Presence. And I'm also a marriage, family and child therapist, a teacher, a long time parent coach, and a mom. And I'm very glad that you're here. This podcast is just about helping you as you raise confident, compassionate, caring kids with more joy and fewer power struggles. And before we get started, please make sure that you visit Susanstiffelman.com. You can sign up for my free newsletter, get lots of news and inspiration and all the information about the classes that I teach, because I'm really big on parent education. If you haven't noticed there's a recent class with Dr. Mona Delahooke, that was just a huge success. Reducing Behavioral Challenges with Tools From Neuroscience, and that's still available. And I have a class coming up with a wonderful authors of The Self-Driven Child, William Stixrud and Ned Johnson. So be sure to stay in touch today. My guest is Dr. Charlotte Reznick, and we are going to be talking about something that a lot of kids and parents are facing, which is anxiety about returning to school in the midst of all the concerns everyone has about. COVID have a listen to our conversation and then I'll come back for the wrap up.
Speaker 2:
Okay. Hi Charlotte. So glad you're here. So I'm going to start as I always do by just reading your bio or a little bit of your bio, cause you have so many things that we could say about you, but let me just introduce you to our listeners by saying a few things Dr. Charlotte Reznick is a child educational psychologist and a foremost authority on how to engage with and develop mindfulness, meditation and imagination in children and teens. She's the author of the bestselling book, the power of your child's imagination, how to transform stress and anxiety into joy and success and the creator of imagery for kids, breakthrough, for learning creativity and empowerment and mindful, positive coping skills program. And lots of other things I know that you do as well, but those were things I wanted to be sure people heard because the point of today's or the focus of today's conversation is on reducing stress and anxiety in our kids as they go back to school.
Speaker 2:
I'm sure that you've been getting a lot of calls about this. I mess. Yeah. Yeah. So a lot of parents are reporting. Their kids are heading back to school with a lot of anxiety or a lot of reluctance or even refusal. They'd been home for the past year and a half. What is your advice? And then we can sort of dig down deeper into some of the things I'm sure that you're going to offer. Well, I appreciate you saying that they're going back with, you know, with anxiety and maybe even, you know, refusal, because what I'm seeing in the kids that I know well over him, you know, my office and the people I speak to is that they're very concerned with like what might happen or what school's going to be like they're concerned about. And depending on the age, you know, even younger, they want to know details or like, where are my classes going to be?
Speaker 2:
Who's my teacher going to be, where do I go to the bathroom? How do I tell them I need to go one girl going into a new high school in ninth grade, she said she had an orientation. They didn't show her where all the classes are going to be. So she's worried that you won't know where they are. So it kind of worried about details. And they're not always saying I'm afraid of catching COVID or Delta or whatever, but they are concerned about their life and how is it going to change? And what's different. Now, some kids went back to school the end of the year, and they had like a limited kind of schooling or ponds or mask or whatever, and what I'm seeing, because I see kids from different kinds of school environments, and some of them are going back and they have to wear masks all the time.
Speaker 2:
Pretty much around here, everyone's wearing masks, except some private schools are putting kids in little pots. So they're testing them and they're putting them in pods and they don't need to wear a mask. So it's all different. So I think depending on what your situation is, you want to help your children with what they're concerned with. So even if they ask you a question that you're sure that they know they know or something like what time do we get out of school, just try to be there and answer their questions. And if you can, like, if they're not sure where their classes are and you have the time, you know, before school starts, or when you're hearing this, see if you can help them out there and maybe the school will allow you in, or you could walk around or you could look at the layout of the school, or you could figure out how long it's going to take to get to a different class.
Speaker 2:
But you're their advocate. You're, you know, you're on the same team. So you want to help them out. And I think any question is, is a reasonable question because it's their concern. And then once you add answer basic questions, maybe other things like I'm really scared, like how close can I be? Or they're upset. They can't play with their kids, or they can't eat with their friends. They have to only eat with their class as opposed to being with friends in other classes. So there's just a myriad of things that are concerned about. Yeah. Well, I liked that you started with the general and some of the things that you started with are things that might've happened five years ago, as kids were going back to school, the very kind of normal, where do I go to the bathroom? How long does it take if I'm in middle or high school to get from one class to another?
Speaker 2:
How about the kids who, whether they're vocalizing it or not are just systemically uncomfortable. In some cases for younger kids, they, they might have only been to school for one or two years, or if that, and now they're going sort of for the first time or they've, you know, the memory of their experience in kindergarten or first grade is sort of a distant memory. And so it's actually quite a new experience. And the overlay is COVID, COVID, COVID, you know, all the messaging that they got when we were all very alarmed and in lockdown, where as you touched on, you know, can I get near my friend? What if, what if my friend missed me and wants to give me a hug? Can we share a pencil? Things like the, the overlay of anxiety from COVID related lockdown experiences and all the messaging that they heard?
Speaker 2:
I think that's so important. What you're bringing up even like, can I share a pencil because the kids are just worried. Also some of the younger ones are, don't have the words even say, they're worried and it's coming out and not sleeping well or being more irritable or having headaches and stomach aches. So you want to pay attention to that and, and look at it and to have some discussions as much as you can about their concerns. I think some schools, depending on the district, it's so different all over the country all over. I mean, if we're just sticking with America with all over the world, that's very different. And some schools are having kids tested every week, no matter what, and taking their temperature. And so if whatever your school has to take care and watch out for the children, it's good to talk about that and explain, well, this is what our school is doing to keep us safe and, you know, and find out it's likely they're not going to be sharing pencils with each other and keep their own pencils.
Speaker 2:
So have some extra pencils, have a, you have a new box or decorate the box differently and may have some fun with it. So not just like from fear, but from just practical knowledge, like we feel, okay so far we're doing as much as we can to keep safe and your school will too. And it's true what you're saying about the younger kids, because one girl I'm seeing, she, you know, this happened in kindergarten and she, and she hardly had any school. And doesn't really remember, and now it's a year and a half later and she's preparing to go to second grade and she missed a lot. So, okay. We just take it this new experience. And, and I don't want to put under the rug any concerns. I want them to bring them all out, but, but to stay calm about it and talk about the factual information and also of course, to validate their concerns, an easy way to do that is for parents just to repeat back what their child was saying in there, in the words of their child or in their, in their interpretation.
Speaker 2:
Like if a little girl is saying, I'm really scared, can I share a pencil? So just an easy way, oh honey, what I'm hearing is you're very worried because you don't know if you could even share a pencil with your friend and once they understand and know that you understand how they're feeling, it's easier to Mo move on to the next. I love that. And in my language and the work that I do with my parent community and membership community, it's called coming alongside rather than at. And it means that we joined the child where she is, regardless of whether we think their concerns make sense or are inflated or whatever it is, we join them. Initially, we validate, we acknowledge, I can see where that might be a worry to you about sharing a pencil, because last year, you know, you couldn't even be in the same room as a friend, and now you're going to be in school.
Speaker 2:
And I guess it sounds like you're wondering what's okay. And what isn't, and I'm so glad you brought that up. So let's vote, you know, I'm going to be doing a class gosh, in a couple of weeks with Dr. William sticks, root and Ned Johnson who wrote the wonderful book, the self-driven child, and we're in a follow-up class. And one of the things in their book, both books that they talk about as being a non-anxious presence for your children. And I mean, we'll explore that in the class, but I know that you talk about that too. And it's so powerful how we are in the state internally, that we emanate unconsciously often that our kids pick up on, can you speak to how parents can work with their own anxiety about their kids returning to school so that they're not transmitting under the surface, this kind of worry and alarm, even if the words they're saying, oh, it'll be fine.
Speaker 2:
Yes, exactly. Because kids are picking up on the feeling you're having, whether you're there or not, or we could say that picking up on your energy, your energy and what's coming across. So a parent has to be authentic with themself, address their own fears, get their own information. And at some point be able to accept this is what life is like. Now it doesn't mean something terrible is going to happen to my child. It's, it's a very big exaggeration of just letting our child, you know, cross the street by himself or go having a sleep over at a friend's house. So it's much larger than that, but it's the same kind of thing that a parent could say, wait a second, the school is doing this, we're doing this. The kids are going to be pretty safe. I have to, I want to be okay and let this go, because if you're anxious, your child will know it.
Speaker 2:
And it's like, they'll just infuse into their selves. So is I always tell parents your child is going to do better if you're doing that. Yes. Yeah. And I'm even thinking, as I listened to you, you know, I get parents a lot saying my child wants to sleep in my bed and sometimes I let him and sometimes I don't and it just, my husband feels that they should or shouldn't. And I often say that kids pick up on are in decisiveness and our lack of clarity. So if you're really on the fence about whether your child should go to school, I would urge you to kind of get clear so that you can be at least 90% behind your, your decision so that you're not, you know, going back and forth, which can really confuse and disturb a child. If, if they're really sensing that you're only 50% confident that they're safe, then maybe you're not ready to send them.
Speaker 2:
You know, that exactly. And there are alternatives for that. And kids do this kind of sensing all the time when they ask you, oh, could I have another cookie or another ice cream? Or can I stay up another half hour or have more time on my iPad? Because they could sense if you're hesitant, they'll keep going until you will give in. So it's across the board and in life. It's always, I always tell parents if you're you to give and do it immediately and make it your idea. Exactly. I was just about to give you another cookie. You must've.
Speaker 2:
So the main chain, the parent role, but the same thing is, is with fear. Now, if you're feeling fear and the child notices it and you want to be honest and say, yeah, I'm, I'm kind of worried. We've been going through all this for the last year and a half, but because, and then you could share your process, but because I know we're vaccinated, you are, or if they're younger, you know, we're vaccinated. Our family is, the teachers are, or as much as you know about that, and I feel much safer and that the school is doing six feet apart. You won't be able to sit next to your friend for lunch, but you could sit six feet apart and talk to them, you know, just share your process too, because you don't want to say, I'm not afraid. Some of the times parents, they want to be okay for their kids.
Speaker 2:
And they'll say, no, I'm fine. I'm fine. But that's not true. And your child knows it. Exactly. So, you know, one of the, I'm always looking for the silver lining. I have a little bit of Pollyanna in me and as awful and tragic as this has been, I also am hopeful that based on what I've observed in the past, and certainly what we know for instance about people who've lived through tremendous hardship or, or war difficulty, that there is the possibility, at least of becoming more resilient, more flexible, more adaptable, more competent, all of those positive things, depending of course, on the atmosphere and how those challenges are faced. And certainly how devastating they are personally. But if we can look at this as an opportunity to help our children develop tools and internal strategies to cope when life has a lot of uncertainty around it.
Speaker 2:
So I was hoping that we could offer parents an idea or two of a practice, whether they do it at home, or they do it before they leave the house or get out of the car in the morning, actual strategies that we can start teaching our children to use when life is uncertain. Because we certainly know from if we're grownups that we try our best to have everything sort of fixed and predictable, but that just isn't how life goes and that the more we can flex and adapt with confidence and some degree of self-awareness and, you know, the ability to process challenging emotions, the better we do in grown up life. And that's what we're preparing our kids for. So can you share a practice or two that could, that Parris could do with their children at home or as part of this? Yes, absolutely.
Speaker 2:
And I want to go back to your Pollyanna attitude because I have one of those too, and I, it's always, it's very helpful to focus on the positive. So before we look at practices, I want to just mention that and also to stay in the moment like right now, nothing terrible is happening. Feel your feet, your hands, you know, breathe right now. I'm okay. So when the fears start to take over or the anxiety or the worries you want, that's the future. You want to bring yourself back to the present moment. And in that present moment, like before school or on the way the school, you both can imagine, what kind of day would you like to have today? What friends are you going to, would you like to play with what fun activities are you hoping that were there? And then just with their imagination, whether they see pictures or whether they think about things or hear music, imagine the day going well.
Speaker 2:
And then maybe imagine if any little blips come up, they're able to handle it and how they handle it. So it's just like the athletes do for the Olympics. You imagine you're a ski run. You imagine the swim meet. So focusing on what you would like helps you take the steps to get there. Wow. See a new friend. And they might think about saying, hi, you know, just something simple and her smiling back at, you know, them smiling at each other and having a conversation after that. So that is a very, very simple thing to do. And kids will say, oh, I just can't imagine anything going well. So then you want to stay in the moment and you also could do a nice, simple exercise where you imagine the love that you have for your child. You send love to them from your heart, to their heart, on the beam of light, their favorite color.
Speaker 2:
And they send back their love from their heart to your heart on their favorite color or the color they'd like to send you. And that way it has a little bit of a connection. And this is really good when kids are a little afraid to leave you at school, or, you know, don't want even want to say goodnight. So you're connected. So even if you're a room away or a school away, you know, you're still, you, you can imagine that heart connection and know you're connected to it. I love that. And it really speaks to your, your book, the power of your child's imagination, how to transform stress and anxiety and to join success and the work that you do with imagery, for kids. So I hope people check that out or, or go to your website, which is, can you tell us what it is?
Speaker 2:
Oh, it's it's imagery for kids for it's really simple. So, yeah, to learn because this idea of implanting in our consciousness, whether it's through the auditory visual sensorial, I do that almost every morning. I do that in terms of how I want my day to go, or, or how I want the weekend or an event to go when the school becoming more comfortable in advance with how we'd like an experience to go, can predispose us to manifesting that it doesn't always make things go according to the script vision. But it's what I like about it. Charlotte is that it's something that empowers the child. So they don't feel at the mercy of events that are going to unfold, Willy nilly. They actually, there's an intentionality about, oh, I have a role I can play in ending my day to day. And looking back on it, feeling like, yeah, that was a pretty good day.
Speaker 2:
Right? And also you could build in a surprise and some time surprises are really positive and sometimes they're not so positive, but the idea that a surprise might come and you might be happy, Mather, not, but you'll be able to handle it and it'll work out. Right. And they'll still focus on what you're grateful for. You know, I'm grateful, I'm healthy today. I'm grateful, you know, have a nice breakfast or any little thing that could ground you in the now and feeling okay. You know, I'm okay. Will be helpful. Great. So would you like to share something that a parent can teach a child to do if they do feel anxious and they're already at school or they're missing mom or dad, or they're uncertain about how to get from this class to the next, what's a way they can reorient themselves to the present moment and feel grounded and safe?
Speaker 2:
Well, the one simple thing is just doing I call the balloon breath, just breathing two inches below your belly button. So when you breathe in the belly goes out and when you breathe out, either through your nose or your mouth, the belly relaxes again is flat. So you want to ground yourself. You can imagine your, if you're kind of feeling off, you imagine your legs are on the ground or, you know, they are on the ground. Hopefully I'll put them on the ground and imagine like, you're, you become like a yoga tree where they're branches coming out of your feet and it goes down into the earth. So it centers you and grounds you to the earth. So you want to come back to present time and space. And then couple of the items we, we talked about connecting from the heart to your parents, remember that, remember there, what would they say to you?
Speaker 2:
What would your best friend say to you? So you want to calm yourself first to get that frontal lobe working again, if you're anxious and then you could use a little bit more. That's great. That's great. I love that. I love that, that deep belly breath at, you know, below the navel and just the balloon, it's such an easy thing for a child to do no matter where they are. And no one has to see that they're doing this practice. Another one I like, I don't know if you've used, this is just having them rub their hands together to create some warmth and friction. And then they notice when they stop, maybe even after 10 seconds, that their hands are sort of Tingley and warm and that can bring you back into the present. Yeah, that's a great way to teach kids about energy when they feel something, but they don't know where it's coming from.
Speaker 2:
The room is, feels good to the room doesn't so I have them rub their hands together and then slowly bring them out and that they could feel that something like in Tai Chi, something is there and that's something we can't see, but it's still there. That's fantastic. Okay. Any final thoughts? And of course, I always like to wrap up our conversations with one particular thing. Parents can intentionally do this week. So what, what would you like to leave parents with to trust their intuition? They have great resources inside, great knowledge, great wisdom center, take some breaths to center and ask, what can I do for my child now? What does my child need and see what pops up connect to their intuition. And I think part built into that. What I like about that is that what does my child need is not the same as what do I need?
Speaker 2:
And they're both important questions to ask, but it's better that you get your needs met elsewhere because what I see parents do a lot and you probably do too, is the child becomes the means by which the parent manages their own anxiety. If I can just get my child to promise, never to take the mask off all or to wash his hands seven times I'll feel better about it. And it puts a, a really inappropriate level of responsibility on the child to make promises or do things to quell the parent's anxiety. So I like it. You're asking what does my child need? Such an important point, Susan. Okay. Please tell people again how they can find out more about your wonderful work. Oh, come to my website. There's, it's updated. It has wonderful articles, information and meditations, and all kinds of good stuff and imagery for kids.com and that's for in the middle. That's great. Thank you, Dr. Charlotte Reznick. It's a joy to speak with you and thank you for all the wonderful work that you're doing to support parents. It's so, so needed and children. Thank you. And you too, the world is a better place, Susan, cause you were in it right back at ya.
Speaker 1:
Okay. Then I hope you enjoyed that conversation. I sure did. And hopefully you learned some things that will help you and your children reentered the experience of going to school. If that's your path in a way that has less anxiety and more joy, which of course is what we want for our kids and for our ourselves as well. We want it to be a joyful light experience. It's not something that we're dreading every morning. If you're finding value in these conversations and you're enjoying the podcast episode, I'd be so grateful. If you would leave a rating or review, tell a friend all three, it does help. You can hit the subscribe button. So you'll be notified just as soon as a new episode is released. And we have some wonderful episodes coming up and remember to visit Susan stifelman.com to stay in touch and get your regular doses of parenting inspiration, to sign up for the free newsletter that you'll see there.
Speaker 1:
Do keep an eye out for my upcoming class, with Dr. William Stixrud and Ned Johnson, authors of The Self Driven Child, that September 14th and the replay is always available. So that is going to be a fantastic class. When I got their book, I underlined almost every sentence. So I'm really urging parents to take advantage of that opportunity, to learn with such wonderful people. We always offer lots of support and inspiration. That's everything that I'm about. So I'm so glad that you're here. I hope you'll take advantage of it. And I think that's it for today. Remember, no matter how busy life may get, look for those moments of sweetness and joy, stay safe, stay well.
Speaker 1:
Hello, and welcome to the Parenting Without Power Struggles podcast. I'm Susan Stiffelman, your host, and the author of Parenting Without Power Struggles and Parenting with Presence. And I'm also a marriage, family and child therapist, a teacher, a long time parent coach, and a mom. And I'm very glad that you're here. This podcast is just about helping you as you raise confident, compassionate, caring kids with more joy and fewer power struggles. And before we get started, please make sure that you visit Susanstiffelman.com. You can sign up for my free newsletter, get lots of news and inspiration and all the information about the classes that I teach, because I'm really big on parent education. If you haven't noticed there's a recent class with Dr. Mona Delahooke, that was just a huge success. Reducing Behavioral Challenges with Tools From Neuroscience, and that's still available. And I have a class coming up with a wonderful authors of The Self-Driven Child, William Stixrud and Ned Johnson. So be sure to stay in touch today. My guest is Dr. Charlotte Reznick, and we are going to be talking about something that a lot of kids and parents are facing, which is anxiety about returning to school in the midst of all the concerns everyone has about. COVID have a listen to our conversation and then I'll come back for the wrap up.
Speaker 2:
Okay. Hi Charlotte. So glad you're here. So I'm going to start as I always do by just reading your bio or a little bit of your bio, cause you have so many things that we could say about you, but let me just introduce you to our listeners by saying a few things Dr. Charlotte Reznick is a child educational psychologist and a foremost authority on how to engage with and develop mindfulness, meditation and imagination in children and teens. She's the author of the bestselling book, the power of your child's imagination, how to transform stress and anxiety into joy and success and the creator of imagery for kids, breakthrough, for learning creativity and empowerment and mindful, positive coping skills program. And lots of other things I know that you do as well, but those were things I wanted to be sure people heard because the point of today's or the focus of today's conversation is on reducing stress and anxiety in our kids as they go back to school.
Speaker 2:
I'm sure that you've been getting a lot of calls about this. I mess. Yeah. Yeah. So a lot of parents are reporting. Their kids are heading back to school with a lot of anxiety or a lot of reluctance or even refusal. They'd been home for the past year and a half. What is your advice? And then we can sort of dig down deeper into some of the things I'm sure that you're going to offer. Well, I appreciate you saying that they're going back with, you know, with anxiety and maybe even, you know, refusal, because what I'm seeing in the kids that I know well over him, you know, my office and the people I speak to is that they're very concerned with like what might happen or what school's going to be like they're concerned about. And depending on the age, you know, even younger, they want to know details or like, where are my classes going to be?
Speaker 2:
Who's my teacher going to be, where do I go to the bathroom? How do I tell them I need to go one girl going into a new high school in ninth grade, she said she had an orientation. They didn't show her where all the classes are going to be. So she's worried that you won't know where they are. So it kind of worried about details. And they're not always saying I'm afraid of catching COVID or Delta or whatever, but they are concerned about their life and how is it going to change? And what's different. Now, some kids went back to school the end of the year, and they had like a limited kind of schooling or ponds or mask or whatever, and what I'm seeing, because I see kids from different kinds of school environments, and some of them are going back and they have to wear masks all the time.
Speaker 2:
Pretty much around here, everyone's wearing masks, except some private schools are putting kids in little pots. So they're testing them and they're putting them in pods and they don't need to wear a mask. So it's all different. So I think depending on what your situation is, you want to help your children with what they're concerned with. So even if they ask you a question that you're sure that they know they know or something like what time do we get out of school, just try to be there and answer their questions. And if you can, like, if they're not sure where their classes are and you have the time, you know, before school starts, or when you're hearing this, see if you can help them out there and maybe the school will allow you in, or you could walk around or you could look at the layout of the school, or you could figure out how long it's going to take to get to a different class.
Speaker 2:
But you're their advocate. You're, you know, you're on the same team. So you want to help them out. And I think any question is, is a reasonable question because it's their concern. And then once you add answer basic questions, maybe other things like I'm really scared, like how close can I be? Or they're upset. They can't play with their kids, or they can't eat with their friends. They have to only eat with their class as opposed to being with friends in other classes. So there's just a myriad of things that are concerned about. Yeah. Well, I liked that you started with the general and some of the things that you started with are things that might've happened five years ago, as kids were going back to school, the very kind of normal, where do I go to the bathroom? How long does it take if I'm in middle or high school to get from one class to another?
Speaker 2:
How about the kids who, whether they're vocalizing it or not are just systemically uncomfortable. In some cases for younger kids, they, they might have only been to school for one or two years, or if that, and now they're going sort of for the first time or they've, you know, the memory of their experience in kindergarten or first grade is sort of a distant memory. And so it's actually quite a new experience. And the overlay is COVID, COVID, COVID, you know, all the messaging that they got when we were all very alarmed and in lockdown, where as you touched on, you know, can I get near my friend? What if, what if my friend missed me and wants to give me a hug? Can we share a pencil? Things like the, the overlay of anxiety from COVID related lockdown experiences and all the messaging that they heard?
Speaker 2:
I think that's so important. What you're bringing up even like, can I share a pencil because the kids are just worried. Also some of the younger ones are, don't have the words even say, they're worried and it's coming out and not sleeping well or being more irritable or having headaches and stomach aches. So you want to pay attention to that and, and look at it and to have some discussions as much as you can about their concerns. I think some schools, depending on the district, it's so different all over the country all over. I mean, if we're just sticking with America with all over the world, that's very different. And some schools are having kids tested every week, no matter what, and taking their temperature. And so if whatever your school has to take care and watch out for the children, it's good to talk about that and explain, well, this is what our school is doing to keep us safe and, you know, and find out it's likely they're not going to be sharing pencils with each other and keep their own pencils.
Speaker 2:
So have some extra pencils, have a, you have a new box or decorate the box differently and may have some fun with it. So not just like from fear, but from just practical knowledge, like we feel, okay so far we're doing as much as we can to keep safe and your school will too. And it's true what you're saying about the younger kids, because one girl I'm seeing, she, you know, this happened in kindergarten and she, and she hardly had any school. And doesn't really remember, and now it's a year and a half later and she's preparing to go to second grade and she missed a lot. So, okay. We just take it this new experience. And, and I don't want to put under the rug any concerns. I want them to bring them all out, but, but to stay calm about it and talk about the factual information and also of course, to validate their concerns, an easy way to do that is for parents just to repeat back what their child was saying in there, in the words of their child or in their, in their interpretation.
Speaker 2:
Like if a little girl is saying, I'm really scared, can I share a pencil? So just an easy way, oh honey, what I'm hearing is you're very worried because you don't know if you could even share a pencil with your friend and once they understand and know that you understand how they're feeling, it's easier to Mo move on to the next. I love that. And in my language and the work that I do with my parent community and membership community, it's called coming alongside rather than at. And it means that we joined the child where she is, regardless of whether we think their concerns make sense or are inflated or whatever it is, we join them. Initially, we validate, we acknowledge, I can see where that might be a worry to you about sharing a pencil, because last year, you know, you couldn't even be in the same room as a friend, and now you're going to be in school.
Speaker 2:
And I guess it sounds like you're wondering what's okay. And what isn't, and I'm so glad you brought that up. So let's vote, you know, I'm going to be doing a class gosh, in a couple of weeks with Dr. William sticks, root and Ned Johnson who wrote the wonderful book, the self-driven child, and we're in a follow-up class. And one of the things in their book, both books that they talk about as being a non-anxious presence for your children. And I mean, we'll explore that in the class, but I know that you talk about that too. And it's so powerful how we are in the state internally, that we emanate unconsciously often that our kids pick up on, can you speak to how parents can work with their own anxiety about their kids returning to school so that they're not transmitting under the surface, this kind of worry and alarm, even if the words they're saying, oh, it'll be fine.
Speaker 2:
Yes, exactly. Because kids are picking up on the feeling you're having, whether you're there or not, or we could say that picking up on your energy, your energy and what's coming across. So a parent has to be authentic with themself, address their own fears, get their own information. And at some point be able to accept this is what life is like. Now it doesn't mean something terrible is going to happen to my child. It's, it's a very big exaggeration of just letting our child, you know, cross the street by himself or go having a sleep over at a friend's house. So it's much larger than that, but it's the same kind of thing that a parent could say, wait a second, the school is doing this, we're doing this. The kids are going to be pretty safe. I have to, I want to be okay and let this go, because if you're anxious, your child will know it.
Speaker 2:
And it's like, they'll just infuse into their selves. So is I always tell parents your child is going to do better if you're doing that. Yes. Yeah. And I'm even thinking, as I listened to you, you know, I get parents a lot saying my child wants to sleep in my bed and sometimes I let him and sometimes I don't and it just, my husband feels that they should or shouldn't. And I often say that kids pick up on are in decisiveness and our lack of clarity. So if you're really on the fence about whether your child should go to school, I would urge you to kind of get clear so that you can be at least 90% behind your, your decision so that you're not, you know, going back and forth, which can really confuse and disturb a child. If, if they're really sensing that you're only 50% confident that they're safe, then maybe you're not ready to send them.
Speaker 2:
You know, that exactly. And there are alternatives for that. And kids do this kind of sensing all the time when they ask you, oh, could I have another cookie or another ice cream? Or can I stay up another half hour or have more time on my iPad? Because they could sense if you're hesitant, they'll keep going until you will give in. So it's across the board and in life. It's always, I always tell parents if you're you to give and do it immediately and make it your idea. Exactly. I was just about to give you another cookie. You must've.
Speaker 2:
So the main chain, the parent role, but the same thing is, is with fear. Now, if you're feeling fear and the child notices it and you want to be honest and say, yeah, I'm, I'm kind of worried. We've been going through all this for the last year and a half, but because, and then you could share your process, but because I know we're vaccinated, you are, or if they're younger, you know, we're vaccinated. Our family is, the teachers are, or as much as you know about that, and I feel much safer and that the school is doing six feet apart. You won't be able to sit next to your friend for lunch, but you could sit six feet apart and talk to them, you know, just share your process too, because you don't want to say, I'm not afraid. Some of the times parents, they want to be okay for their kids.
Speaker 2:
And they'll say, no, I'm fine. I'm fine. But that's not true. And your child knows it. Exactly. So, you know, one of the, I'm always looking for the silver lining. I have a little bit of Pollyanna in me and as awful and tragic as this has been, I also am hopeful that based on what I've observed in the past, and certainly what we know for instance about people who've lived through tremendous hardship or, or war difficulty, that there is the possibility, at least of becoming more resilient, more flexible, more adaptable, more competent, all of those positive things, depending of course, on the atmosphere and how those challenges are faced. And certainly how devastating they are personally. But if we can look at this as an opportunity to help our children develop tools and internal strategies to cope when life has a lot of uncertainty around it.
Speaker 2:
So I was hoping that we could offer parents an idea or two of a practice, whether they do it at home, or they do it before they leave the house or get out of the car in the morning, actual strategies that we can start teaching our children to use when life is uncertain. Because we certainly know from if we're grownups that we try our best to have everything sort of fixed and predictable, but that just isn't how life goes and that the more we can flex and adapt with confidence and some degree of self-awareness and, you know, the ability to process challenging emotions, the better we do in grown up life. And that's what we're preparing our kids for. So can you share a practice or two that could, that Parris could do with their children at home or as part of this? Yes, absolutely.
Speaker 2:
And I want to go back to your Pollyanna attitude because I have one of those too, and I, it's always, it's very helpful to focus on the positive. So before we look at practices, I want to just mention that and also to stay in the moment like right now, nothing terrible is happening. Feel your feet, your hands, you know, breathe right now. I'm okay. So when the fears start to take over or the anxiety or the worries you want, that's the future. You want to bring yourself back to the present moment. And in that present moment, like before school or on the way the school, you both can imagine, what kind of day would you like to have today? What friends are you going to, would you like to play with what fun activities are you hoping that were there? And then just with their imagination, whether they see pictures or whether they think about things or hear music, imagine the day going well.
Speaker 2:
And then maybe imagine if any little blips come up, they're able to handle it and how they handle it. So it's just like the athletes do for the Olympics. You imagine you're a ski run. You imagine the swim meet. So focusing on what you would like helps you take the steps to get there. Wow. See a new friend. And they might think about saying, hi, you know, just something simple and her smiling back at, you know, them smiling at each other and having a conversation after that. So that is a very, very simple thing to do. And kids will say, oh, I just can't imagine anything going well. So then you want to stay in the moment and you also could do a nice, simple exercise where you imagine the love that you have for your child. You send love to them from your heart, to their heart, on the beam of light, their favorite color.
Speaker 2:
And they send back their love from their heart to your heart on their favorite color or the color they'd like to send you. And that way it has a little bit of a connection. And this is really good when kids are a little afraid to leave you at school, or, you know, don't want even want to say goodnight. So you're connected. So even if you're a room away or a school away, you know, you're still, you, you can imagine that heart connection and know you're connected to it. I love that. And it really speaks to your, your book, the power of your child's imagination, how to transform stress and anxiety and to join success and the work that you do with imagery, for kids. So I hope people check that out or, or go to your website, which is, can you tell us what it is?
Speaker 2:
Oh, it's it's imagery for kids for it's really simple. So, yeah, to learn because this idea of implanting in our consciousness, whether it's through the auditory visual sensorial, I do that almost every morning. I do that in terms of how I want my day to go, or, or how I want the weekend or an event to go when the school becoming more comfortable in advance with how we'd like an experience to go, can predispose us to manifesting that it doesn't always make things go according to the script vision. But it's what I like about it. Charlotte is that it's something that empowers the child. So they don't feel at the mercy of events that are going to unfold, Willy nilly. They actually, there's an intentionality about, oh, I have a role I can play in ending my day to day. And looking back on it, feeling like, yeah, that was a pretty good day.
Speaker 2:
Right? And also you could build in a surprise and some time surprises are really positive and sometimes they're not so positive, but the idea that a surprise might come and you might be happy, Mather, not, but you'll be able to handle it and it'll work out. Right. And they'll still focus on what you're grateful for. You know, I'm grateful, I'm healthy today. I'm grateful, you know, have a nice breakfast or any little thing that could ground you in the now and feeling okay. You know, I'm okay. Will be helpful. Great. So would you like to share something that a parent can teach a child to do if they do feel anxious and they're already at school or they're missing mom or dad, or they're uncertain about how to get from this class to the next, what's a way they can reorient themselves to the present moment and feel grounded and safe?
Speaker 2:
Well, the one simple thing is just doing I call the balloon breath, just breathing two inches below your belly button. So when you breathe in the belly goes out and when you breathe out, either through your nose or your mouth, the belly relaxes again is flat. So you want to ground yourself. You can imagine your, if you're kind of feeling off, you imagine your legs are on the ground or, you know, they are on the ground. Hopefully I'll put them on the ground and imagine like, you're, you become like a yoga tree where they're branches coming out of your feet and it goes down into the earth. So it centers you and grounds you to the earth. So you want to come back to present time and space. And then couple of the items we, we talked about connecting from the heart to your parents, remember that, remember there, what would they say to you?
Speaker 2:
What would your best friend say to you? So you want to calm yourself first to get that frontal lobe working again, if you're anxious and then you could use a little bit more. That's great. That's great. I love that. I love that, that deep belly breath at, you know, below the navel and just the balloon, it's such an easy thing for a child to do no matter where they are. And no one has to see that they're doing this practice. Another one I like, I don't know if you've used, this is just having them rub their hands together to create some warmth and friction. And then they notice when they stop, maybe even after 10 seconds, that their hands are sort of Tingley and warm and that can bring you back into the present. Yeah, that's a great way to teach kids about energy when they feel something, but they don't know where it's coming from.
Speaker 2:
The room is, feels good to the room doesn't so I have them rub their hands together and then slowly bring them out and that they could feel that something like in Tai Chi, something is there and that's something we can't see, but it's still there. That's fantastic. Okay. Any final thoughts? And of course, I always like to wrap up our conversations with one particular thing. Parents can intentionally do this week. So what, what would you like to leave parents with to trust their intuition? They have great resources inside, great knowledge, great wisdom center, take some breaths to center and ask, what can I do for my child now? What does my child need and see what pops up connect to their intuition. And I think part built into that. What I like about that is that what does my child need is not the same as what do I need?
Speaker 2:
And they're both important questions to ask, but it's better that you get your needs met elsewhere because what I see parents do a lot and you probably do too, is the child becomes the means by which the parent manages their own anxiety. If I can just get my child to promise, never to take the mask off all or to wash his hands seven times I'll feel better about it. And it puts a, a really inappropriate level of responsibility on the child to make promises or do things to quell the parent's anxiety. So I like it. You're asking what does my child need? Such an important point, Susan. Okay. Please tell people again how they can find out more about your wonderful work. Oh, come to my website. There's, it's updated. It has wonderful articles, information and meditations, and all kinds of good stuff and imagery for kids.com and that's for in the middle. That's great. Thank you, Dr. Charlotte Reznick. It's a joy to speak with you and thank you for all the wonderful work that you're doing to support parents. It's so, so needed and children. Thank you. And you too, the world is a better place, Susan, cause you were in it right back at ya.
Speaker 1:
Okay. Then I hope you enjoyed that conversation. I sure did. And hopefully you learned some things that will help you and your children reentered the experience of going to school. If that's your path in a way that has less anxiety and more joy, which of course is what we want for our kids and for our ourselves as well. We want it to be a joyful light experience. It's not something that we're dreading every morning. If you're finding value in these conversations and you're enjoying the podcast episode, I'd be so grateful. If you would leave a rating or review, tell a friend all three, it does help. You can hit the subscribe button. So you'll be notified just as soon as a new episode is released. And we have some wonderful episodes coming up and remember to visit Susan stifelman.com to stay in touch and get your regular doses of parenting inspiration, to sign up for the free newsletter that you'll see there.
Speaker 1:
Do keep an eye out for my upcoming class, with Dr. William Stixrud and Ned Johnson, authors of The Self Driven Child, that September 14th and the replay is always available. So that is going to be a fantastic class. When I got their book, I underlined almost every sentence. So I'm really urging parents to take advantage of that opportunity, to learn with such wonderful people. We always offer lots of support and inspiration. That's everything that I'm about. So I'm so glad that you're here. I hope you'll take advantage of it. And I think that's it for today. Remember, no matter how busy life may get, look for those moments of sweetness and joy, stay safe, stay well.