For many years, I was the parenting advice columnist for the Huffington Post. These are the kinds of questions I received from parents struggling after divorce:
My ex-husband infuriates me. Every time my kids forget something at my house or he thinks I didn’t do a good enough job helping one of them study for a test, he goes ballistic. I try to be patient but he explodes at me, and then we’re fighting like we did for years. This is why we divorced!
My ex-wife and I had a contentious divorce. Co-parenting is challenging at best. I feel bad that our kids get caught in the fighting, but how am I supposed to be nice or not tell the kids that their mom is the problem when she is so unreasonable about everything?
Here is an excerpt of my response to these kinds of heartbreaking questions:
When we marry someone, it is with the hope that they will love and accept us as we are, warts and all. Sure, we might ask our spouses to modify a behavior (picking up socks or putting the cap on the toothpaste tube are favorites!), but we generally believe that the person we have chosen to marry finds us good enough.
Divorce is an indication that our dreams of a loving spouse who accepts our foibles and mistakes have fallen apart. We may find ourselves on the other end of the firehose of our once-beloved partner’s rage. When children are caught in the midst of these toxic interactions, it compounds their pain, and our own. There are ways to make this time more manageable for you, and more secure and grounded for your child.
I recently watched a video of a six-year-old little girl sharing her wisdom with her mother. Among the gems she shared, she said, “I want you and my dad to be settled and be friends… If I can be nice, I think all of us can be nice, too… I think you can settle your mean heights down a little to short heights. I think you can do it…”
When you find yourself losing your temper with your former spouse, consider that underneath your frustration is simply sadness — sadness that they don’t see how hard you’re trying to be a good parent, sadness for the loss of the close-knit family you hoped you could create, or sadness from the challenges that come with co-parenting with someone whose reactions you can’t control.
If you’re struggling to co-parent after divorce, or there’s simply tension in your marriage that is spilling onto your children, please join me for our new Master Class: Step, Blended, Single: Parenting After Divorce
➡️ Sign up here
In this 90-minute session, I’ll share:
✔️ How to respond when your child is struggling emotionally—even if they’re not talking about it
✔️ Ways to reduce tension when your co-parenting partner is inconsistent, hostile, or absent
✔️ How to support a child who feels caught in the middle or overwhelmed by loyalty binds
✔️ What to do when your rules are ignored—or openly undermined—in the other household
If you’re feeling depleted, stuck, or unsure how to handle the ongoing challenges… I hope you’ll join me.
