When our child is upset, it's natural to want to help them feel better. Unfortunately, sometimes our efforts only seem to make things worse.

Let's say our child comes home from playing with the kids next door. He seems to be fighting off tears.

We may say, "What's wrong?"

         Child:  "Nothing!"

     "You're obviously upset. What happened?"

          Child: "I told you--  I'm fine!" 

When our child responds with anger to our efforts to help, we often feel hurt and frustrated. After all, we were just trying to help!

But oftentimes, past experiences leave them believing it's risky to open up when they're having a hard time. We may have unintentionally "taught" our children that we can't handle their truth.

It happens innocently enough. If our son confesses to having a problem with a friend, we may have interrogated him about what he might have done wrong, or flooded him with advice about how to fix things. If our daughter tells us she's having trouble with her History teacher, we may insist that she lets us review her assignments.

Although these efforts come from a place of love, our children may feel overwhelmed by our desire to fix things, especially when what they first need is simply a safe place to offload their feelings.

So our kids often conclude that it's best to keep difficult feelings to themselves, and when we probe, it only makes them angry.

There's nothing wrong with wanting to help our kids when they're struggling; in fact, it's part of the job of being a parent. But our children need to trust that it's safe to share their struggles without incurring our judgment, criticism, or desperate attempts to get them to do something to fix the problem.

Helping our children trust that we can listen without rushing in with solutions is hard, because most of us grew up with parents who forced us to listen to their counsel when we were upset.

Thankfully, we can learn how to help our kids feel safe to tell us their truth when they're hurting. (For my personal help with this, please visit this page to learn more about our monthly membership community where I work directly with parents twice a month.)

Here are a few things to keep in mind when your child is struggling:

   • Avoid being needy for information. Most children want us to notice when they're having a tough time as long as we don't seem desperate to know what happened, or eager to tell them what to do. Although your heart may hurt if you think your child has been rejected by a friend or embarrassed by a teacher, resist the urge to overwhelm them with questions. Take it slow, asking a question or two without seeming panicked and drop it if they start to shut down.

   • Stay fully aware of your emotions. If your child shares something painful, you may find yourself flooded with anger or worry. Move into observer mode, simply acknowledging whatever feelings arise in you without letting them overcome you emotionally. The more you can notice and observe your feelings, the less reactive you'll be.

   • Allow your child to "test" your ability to be responsive rather than reactive. In the forty-plus years I've been working with families, I've counseled many parents to be honest with their kids about how their past reactivity may have led them to think it's better to say "I'm fine" than to open up. Admit to your child that in the past you may have given them advice before they wanted it, and that you're working on managing that tendency.

   • Let them test you. Invite your youngster to share something with you with the promise that you'll simply listen. And then keep your promise! They may want to start with something relatively unimportant, but if you prove that you can hear whatever is troubling them without rushing in with solutions or questions, they'll learn to trust you more.

I understand that all this is easier said than done because when our child is hurting, it's hard to resist the urge to make things better. But ultimately, what our kids need most is the relief that comes from not carrying their burdens alone.

Wishing you and your family all the best,

Susan