Helping children who frequently become angry and aggressive

    When a child is frustrated, there are essentially only two outcomes: Aggression or Adaptation. A cherished toy breaks, or she can’t have those longed for cookies, or big brother won’t play cards after saying he would—all of these disappointments have the potential to trigger a child’s fury, and/or their insistence that somebody make the world right again by buying the new toy, handing over the cookies, or making big brother play cards.

    Frustration is a fact of life. Childhood is fraught with frustrating moments, if only because children are small and terribly disadvantaged. Thank goodness kids have been designed with those big, beautiful puppy dog eyes and precious personalities; a child’s cuteness frequently compels us to give in to their request, simply because they’re so darn irresistible.

    But the fact remains that much of the time, children bump up against a universe that is not giving them what they want.

    Children who are chronically aggressive walk around with a sort of low-grade fever of anger, fueled by frustration and a sense of injustice that things aren’t the way they want them to be. When a parent attempts to mitigate this anger by using logic to explain why they can’t have the puppy or ice cream cone or extra hour of TV, the angry child doesn’t hear them. A child who’s upset is generally incapable of processing logic, and is rarely comforted by explanations about why they can’t have what they want.

    In my work, I focus instead on helping parents help their kids offload the enormous feelings that fuel their upset, without judging, advising or enlightening. I call this Act I in the process of diffusing a child’s anger.

    To read more, please visit my website for tips and strategies. (The booklet on on Helping Children Deal with Frustration elaborates on this idea well.) Or sign up for an upcoming Passionate Parenting workshop. Click here for an updated schedule.

    Meanwhile, allow your frustrated child to vent and express their frustration and longing without attempting to talk them out of their feelings. A child who has someone to help him navigate through their frustration towards adaptation is a lucky child indeed, given that life provides all of us with plenty of opportunity to practice accepting things as they are so we can get on with the business of fully enjoying our lives, even when they don’t unfold quite the way we had planned!